The Wedding Etiquette Questions No One is Asking (But Everyone Wonders About)

At 583 Park Avenue we’ve hosted hundreds of events for thousands of guests. As many questions as we get from our clients, we also hear plenty about the thoughts and concerns of event guests.

Wedding guests in particular have many questions, but for one reason or another are hesitant to ask them. Here are a few of those questions that our event experts wanted to touch on in hopes of improving wedding etiquette and increasing wedding enjoyment for all:

How do I request a special meal?

With dozens of different diets, food allergies and other food related issues that seem to be popping up all over the place, preparing a meal to please dozens or even hundreds of guests has become more difficult than ever. While it has become standard to offer a vegetarian or even vegan meal option, sometimes that is simply not enough to meet the needs of every guest.

Special meal requests fall into two categories:

The first category is allergy-awareness. If you have a serious allergy, you owe it to both yourself and your hosts to request a meal that meets your needs. Nothing will take the wind out of a wedding reception quicker than watching a fellow guest deal with the aftermath of a severe allergy attack. Not only will your hosts understand, they will likely be willing to go out of their way to keep you happy and healthy.

The second type of meal request has to do with special (often “trendy) diets. If you’re dieting, or just plain picky, requesting a special meal is not an option, and will be seen as rude by hosts who are simply trying to offer you a free meal. These days most wedding caterers do as good of a job as possible to accommodate diets of all kinds, but if for some reason you truly are left hungry at the reception, you may just have to grin and bear it until you get home.

How do I know how much to spend on a gift?

There are dozens of articles online with titles like “How much to spend on a wedding gift!”, but almost all of them fall short of actually answering that question.

One thing is for sure: The “pay for the cost of your dinner” rule doesn’t apply. The average wedding host spends over $200 per guest and about 1/3rd of that goes towards the price of their meal. It is just not sensible to use how much a host is spending on you to determine how much you should spend on them, no matter what your relationship may be.

The real answer to “How much do I spend on a wedding gift?” is however much it takes to be thoughtful. If you spend a little because you’re being cheap, it will come off as cheap. If you spend a little because you found a truly thoughtful gift that’s on the inexpensive side, it will come off as thoughtful. On the other hand, spending a lot on a gift that lacks care and thought will be appreciated but not remembered (unless you’ve spent A LOT of money).

When in doubt, stick to the registry. If they’ve taken the time to put some thought into it, buying a gift off of their registry means that you will have a range of options to choose from and the couple will get a gift that they actually want.

How do I ask for a Plus One?

Asking if you will receive a plus one to a wedding is all about timing. If you have received the “save the date” card and need to know about your possible plus one in order to make travel/accommodation plans, simply asking the hosts if you will be receiving a plus one shouldn’t be awkward at all. The key is to not put pressure on the hosts to give you the plus one, but rather just inquire about your need to book travel and hotel ahead of time. They will likely be happy to fill you in.

On the other hand, if you have received an invitation without a plus one, asking to bring a date is quite rude. Even if you are in a long-term relationship and feel that the hosts “must have forgotten to invite your significant other,” it’s better to stay quiet.

I have another commitment the day of the wedding. Can I skip the service and still attend the reception?

The simple answer is yes, but you better have a good reason.

The following are not good excuses to skip the wedding ceremony:

  • Too tired
  • Traffic
  • A sporting event
  • Nothing to wear (this comes up more than you think)
  • Didn’t want to

Legitimate excuses include:

  • Medical emergency
  • Family tragedy
  • Serious travel issues
  • Double booked with a more “important” event (Think long and hard before making this choice, but if it’s legitimate most hosts will understand.)

If you truly can’t make it to the ceremony but would still like to attend the reception, be totally (quietly) honest about it. Don’t bring up the fact that you skipped the ceremony, but if anyone asks about it, tell them the truth: You had another commitment that you absolutely could not miss, but you didn’t want to miss out on celebrating with the happy couple.

How to say no to being a bridesmaid

There are two reasons that friends of a bride-to-be reject the invitation to be a bridesmaid:

1) The financial/time commitment

2) Rejecting the idea of being a bridesmaid altogether

The financial and time commitment involved in acting as a bridesmaid is obvious. In 2011, the average cost of being a bridesmaid was over $1,500. For most women, that is an outrageous expense no matter where they are in their careers. The time commitment can be even greater, with multiple events leading to many days of travel, missed work and even more headaches.

If you simply cannot afford to give the cash/time necessary to be a bridesmaid, you need to explain that to the bride early in the process. Once you’ve committed you should never back out, but if you let her know that you simply can’t afford it right now she will likely understand.

On the other hand, if you are rejecting the practice of being a bridesmaid altogether, it’s still fine to say no, but keep your opinion to yourself.

Many bridesmaid invitees act as if they are being punished with the incredible burden of supporting their good friend on their big day. The bride didn’t ask you to punish you! She wants you to be a big part of her big moment. If you must decline, do it early and do it gracefully, and you will still be able to attend the wedding to celebrate alongside your friend and all of her guests.

Do you have a question for the wedding planning experts at 583 Park Avenue? CONTACT US today to ask your question and find out what makes 583 Park Avenue the best event space on the upper east side. One of our event coordinators will be in touch with you shortly.